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You Can Not Be Serious
December 9, 2015

Ladies and Gentlemen-

I am not the most patient of men to begin with- but when I awoke this morning at 4:30 to another day of COMPLETE FLAT-ASS CALM- AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!!! I was a bit apoplectic.

As John McEnroe would say after a poor line call against him in a Grand Slam tennis match- "You can not be serious"!!

So I have written my good friends at Commanders Weather who are in charge of the weather worldwide and basically said "Fellas- WTF???"

Historically, I have not done well in extended periods of calm. This brings back memories of numerous Bermuda races with boats standing still and upright across the horizon- with their sails hanging flat and the sun boiling down from above and not a breath of wind. Lengthy discussions would then begin amongst crew members as to when we would fire up the engine, retire from the race and motor in to Bermuda, where our wives and families and copious amounts of Dark and Stormies anxiously awaited our arrivals. Longtime crew members Jim Alden, Bill Gause, my father Woody Harris and myself were generally in favor of the rum option!

Unfortunately, that is not an option here- gotta stick this one out- so I am sending cosmic vibrations to the wind God Aeolus telling him to get back to work immediately! Do your job- as Coach Belichick reminds us.

So… other than this pesky wind situation and no longer achieving my life’s' goals- things are going pretty well here onboard. I have noticed that when the boat is not moving through the water that the hydro-generator does not generate any electricity- and this is a bit of a problem. I had a discussion with the solar panels yesterday and told them I felt they were under-performing and needed to "up their game" in light of the injury to the hydros. They complained bitterly about work conditions- how hot it is here by the equator- low wages, etc. I told them straight up to cut the crap and start producing or I would fire their ass pronto. And what do you know- this morning I wake up here in Satan's kitchen and the solar panel array is putting out 11 amps of electricity! Nice job fellas! I knew they were capable- they were just being lazy and drafting off the hydros- now they are heroes- although I did have to fire up the diesel and charge for an hour last night as I watched the movie "Million Dollar Baby" to ward off insanity. Great boxing flick with Clint Eastwood and Hilary Swank.

In other entertainment news, I finished the book "10% Happier" by Dan Harris about Buddhism and meditation and feel approximately... hmmm… 10% happier... so I consider that a win- and would definitely recommend the book. I am now going downhill (given the conditions) and have started reading "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" by Tucker Max. These are stories of college-age males doing incredibly stupid stuff involving alcohol and sex. I know- a bit lowbrow, but seems to fit my mood at the moment.

Anyhoo- that’s enough of my blabbering for now- however if you have time today- if you could make some sort of ritualistic sacrifice to the Wind Gods- possibly involving campfire dancing and/or voodoo medicine- that would be much appreciated.

If I write you with the same wind report tomorrow- send reinforcements.

Cheers
J

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